When a friend loses a parent, it’s always hard to know what to say–especially if you’ve never been in that situation yourself.

Losing a mother, in particular, is a difficult emotional situation that takes time to get through, and while you want to offer comfort, you might not be entirely sure what to say. You sit down at your desk, pen in hand, and try to write; but everything you write seems to be coming out wrong, and in spite of the fact that your heart is full, you’re not sure how to offer the words that your friend needs. As you’re writing, consider these pieces of advice:

Keep it short and simple. You don’t need an elaborate letter of condolence to have one that speaks to someone’s heart. Instead of feeling as though you have to use up the entire page, express what’s in your heart and let that speak for itself.

Consider sending it a week or two after the funeral. In the initial days following the death, there are dozens of letters and cards coming in. In order to bring comfort a little bit later, when the flow of support has slowed, send your letter a week or two after the funeral itself. On the other hand, don’t wait too long to send it: after life has resumed its normal pace and your friend is able to get on with things, a letter may bring a painful reminder of grief.

Mention a personal memory. Even if you’ve only encountered your friend’s mother a time or two, there’s likely something that stood out about her. Mention what it was that you remember, especially if it’s a pleasant memory. It will bring a smile and a little bit of joy in the midst of grief.

Offer help. If you’re a close friend, it’s only natural that you’ll want to do something to help your friend during this time–so extend the offer. Remember, however, that your friend might not know what they need help with yet. The days following the loss of a mother can be very difficult and confusing, and they might not yet be able to articulate what they need. Feel free to bring food, babysit, or anything else that might be a real help in the present situation.

Be real. If you’ve experienced the grief of losing a mother yourself, you can come close to telling your friend that you know how they feel. On the other hand, if you haven’t, you can’t even imagine it; so simply sympathize, offer your condolences, and be as real as you can throughout your letter and your interactions with your friend. It’s often easier to express what you’re feeling in a letter than it is to express it aloud, so take advantage of those opportunities to say what’s in your heart, but don’t feel the need to put on emotion that you don’t feel. Just be real, be sympathetic, and be there – that’s all any friend can ask for.